A fifteenth wedding anniversary

A broken bangle, a stopped watch was all he had! A remainder of her! The watched showed 11.45 pm of the 24th of September of 2007. His life seemed to have stopped moving from that moment!

It was their fifteenth wedding anniversary. He had had all the possible joys of life with her as his wife, his better half, his life. They had waltzed through the tough times and jived through the happy ones. Kind, considerate, understanding, docile... a perfect partner for him, aggressive, loud, ambitious, domineering... Her speciality was her simplicity and needs that were as simple as a talkathon or maybe a walk by the seaside! Life had blessed them with two kids as intelligent as he was and as beautiful as she was at one point of time in life but maybe they were not to stay with them for long... They had nothing to ask of God at that moment! The complaint still remained on how He had called Joshua and Cain back to Him but on the whole, a fulfilling life...

He had arranged an elaborate candlelit dinner and dance for her, to make up for lost time, to bring her out of the loss of their kids... Everything went as per plan except when they started waltzing. She seemed to feel dizzy every now and then! He assumed it to be a signal of age as they were not getting any younger! They stopped for a break every now and then until she collapsed unconscious in his arms. He tried to revive her, first aid, CPR, nothing seemed to work!! A doctor was called for to make the death certificate. It read "24th September, 2007 11.45 pm Brain Tumour".

The last bit of her that remained in his life was her broken bangle and the wristwatch he had gifted her on their engagement day! Incidentally, they started their journey with that watch and had ended also with that watch!!!

Nothing remained the same! His attention to business was scanty! The problem was him, he didn't see how to get on with life without her! The question still haunted him! Why was the reason brain tumour was something his mind was not able to decipher... It had been six weeks now that she was gone.. His journey to sanity had started! He started going through her closet! He still felt her warm, tender touch in his hair every time there was a strong gust of wind. He still felt her faint smell lingering in her clothes... Her pictures looked like she would speak any moment! Or better still, come back to life! Her signature lay in her jewellery identified by her unique touch to it. Her new handbag from Austria that he had got her, was still waiting for her to lay her hands on it... He bitterly realised that it would never happen!!

He picked up the wedding album and went through it for an eternity! Seemed like she had gone on a vacation and would come back... The only thing remained was that she wouldn't and she couldn't!!! The corner of her diary caught his eye... Her most prized possession, her beloved diary... She wouldn't allow him to even have as much as a peek at it... It lay there sullen waiting for it to be picked up! He hesitated... waited.... asked himself.... and then decided that all he had of her was the diary... That was the only place where he would still get to hear "I love you". The woman had long gone and so had her words, her cares and concerns.. Every time he came home with a sullen heart, he knew she would be there to comfort him... The lap of comfort, the tears of joy, his grit, his inspiration. his encouragement had all vanished with her... Life seemed to be at a standstill....

Finally, he picked the diary up with wavering hands and started flipping the pages... It appeared to be of 2002. She had described each day vividly with all the different colours life had given her... Pink, red, yellow, blue, green... Upto August, everything was fine and picture perfect just how their life was... Post August, she seemed to be writing of a dizziness that did not allow her to drive... The writing did not seem to be hers, a usually neat piece of art. It had turned into more of a a scrawl, probably because of the dizziness... He realised she did give up driving about a year and a half back... The dizziness puzzled him... It was mysterious but why had he not realised that before!! Had he..... maybe the outcome would have been.....

The rains came and went without any insistence on her part to go out for a drive! Back then, he had assumed that she had been her usual understanding self considering he had to go to Austria for a new project... For the next two months, her complaints of headaches and dizziness seemed to increase. She had never told him about it. Nahhhh.... he had never asked her about it.

In December, she seemed to complain about a slight weight loss.. Yes, he had noticed that! After his trip to Austria, he did realise that she had lost a slight amount of weight. He had also noticed the withdrawal symptoms... probably due to the headaches... She did not let him lay as much as a finger on her probably because her headaches were killing her... He assumed a wrong meaning to her behaviour and even thought the unthinkable!

There was a time in about January when he had thought she had in all probabilities found someone else as she spent most of her time either in the church or going to the park! He gave up talking to her because of his distrust... The poor dear had tried explaining that nothing was amiss but he wouldn't understand. As luck would have it, they met with an accident where he had dislocated his hip bone and her skull was ripped apart.... The kids did not survive to see the light of the day. She seemed to have forgotten about all her headaches, pains, stitches and she worked all day and night taking care of him, waking up at odd hours to help him to the toilet, walk with him each day to the garden putting behind her own sorrows of a mother... Luckily, better sense prevailed on him and by mid April, he realised he was being foolish by not talking to her as she was not capable of cheating him... How could a person cheat on a person she loved with all her heart? How could a person who had forgotten about all her pains and tended to him even think about anyone else? Her mind seemed to be sooo full of him that there was no place for any one else, not even Joshua and Cain.... The pages for her diary in the months of Janury, February, March and April did make up for all that she had never said aloud... He was certain she had loved him but those pages made him realise she worshipped him, he was her most prized possessionm even more priceless than her diaries... She had felt lucky in the pages that atleast he had escaped the accident and she had buried all her tears for Josh and Canny in those pages. Also, was buried a silent prayer that he outlive her... as he was her purpose of living, her source of happiness... Tum nahin toh kuch nahin.... Those words haunted him... On the exterior, she was the same strong woman he had always known! How could he have mistrusted this woman, so pure of virtue, her heart of gold? He felt much more guilty now as he had no chance of apologising... He shouldn't have doubted... but he had! He should have trusted but he didn't! He should have loved unconditionally but he didn't! He should have done a 100 other things but.... he had lost his chance...

Mid May when he was almost back to normal, she talked about a migraine test that was negative... The pages also spoke about a CT scan... The result was apparently a malignant growth at the back of her head which was the cause of the headaches, her weight loss. By now, it was soo obvious to the naked eye... The pages spoke about a pain that he was perhaps even incapable of bearing! How had he remained oblivious to this fact? Does it always mean that she has always had to sacrifice for him, his wellbeing? Maybe the result could have been different had the test been taken in January itself or even before, had he.....

June, July and August talked about the most torturous pain that he couldn't go on... Tears were streaming from his eyes but he blamed himself for not.... One of the marriage vows was to take care of her in good times and bad.... This marriage had always been about him, his good times, his bad times... hindsight without her even whimpering, let alone complaining.... The "We" in the marriage had disappeared.... Had he another chance, probably he would make it up to her... but he had none... She had not been generous enough, he thought and then regretted... Even now, I'm complaining was what came to his mind.... Was he ever being sensitive to her needs? It was always he who came first.. She did not complain even when she lost their kids.... cos she had him... Was he a reason worth living, he wondered...

He pushed himself to read what lay in the last few days of her life... The trauma, the visits to the hospitals, the pain of losing Josh and Canny was all taken heads on herself... Just like another marriage vow he remembered... If any trouble was to come my husband's way, I would stand in front of him and face it.... She had actually meant all that she had promised and had practised it to a tee.. He felt so inadequate... What good had he been as her husband? He couldn't protect her from the pain she went through... Forget protect, he couldn't even share it... She should've told me, he thought... But in reality did I not see the signs was the question his mind put to him. He had no answers.... Was I even able to focus anywhere else other than the Belgium project? Was I even listening to her when she used to talk? He missed talking to her... Is a marriage only about her understanding me? Does it not apply vice versa?

As he read the last page of her diary 24th September 2007... she had thanked God for blessing her with such an understanding, sensitive, caring, loving husband... The words hit him like a slap on his face... They lashed at him. Even after so much she had still been thanking God for having him in her life... She said that there was no concept like rebirth in Christianity but if there were, she would want to be with him again and again and again... He was totally dumbfounded... Could someone like her, divine, pristine love anyone like him so much? He was wondering why she didn't take him with her... to Heaven, the place she deserved! Again, asking her to do something for him!!!

Suddenly, he felt a sharp stab of pain in the left side of his chest.... It kept increasing and increasing until he felt his heart in his mouth. And he smiled as he realised the last favour she had done him... to take him away with her so that they could be together... where he would try and be a better husband and a better partner than what he had been in this lifetime... His wish had always been her command, and it still was, even after she was no more... His soul rose from his body and felt hers watching over him, guarding him, protecting him, nurturing him... even after death... She was his guardian angel. taking care of him even though she was not been physically present.. That was commitment for her!

The milkman was at the door ringing the bell the next morning.... When the door was not opened, it was forced open. The doctor had come another time and the death certificate read "8th November 2007, 11.45 pm... Heart Attack", her birthday.... They were to be reunited on her birthday, maybe this was their joint destiny...