The Spirit of Being "Me"

An overcast sky, the sun hiding behind the clouds... practically playing hide and seek. Looks like it will rain down again, she thought silently and made an effort to get back home before that happened. Sitting at the same clearing on the mountain cliff, she was able to predict the rains from the patterns of the clouds and the angles of the rays passing through them. The frequency of her visits to the place had made her a part of the place where the birds waited for her, looked out for her whenever she was late.

This spot, this lap of Nature was the only thing that offered her comfort, peace, a reason to smile, a reason to sob with joy... It was a pretty little spot that was surrounded by trees, very welcoming with birds all around her waiting for her to give them their regular feed. Inspite of the soil being infertile, she had toiled hard and had been able to cultivate it to yield fruit with her regular and hard work.

The lightning struck and there were loud claps of thunder followed by a surreptitious fall of raindrops hitting her body as she went running down looking for shelter. There was so much of a difference then, she felt. She thought of the days she used to come up here with her father... He would hold her hand and help her tread the muddy path along the mountain when it rained. They would wait at each step, while she would look at the thirsty plants and grass come alive. She would jump up in joy every time she would see a butterfly on a flower that had been resurrected by the shower. Her father would watch her from a distance asking her to be careful. Every time, she grazed her knee, he would scold her and kiss her knee to make her smile again. He would keep replying to her incessant string of questions trying to satisfy her insatiable mind. She would keep hopping and skipping from puddle to puddle ahead of her father, yet at the same time making sure he was always in sight.

Like always, their moods would be lifted with the chirping of the cuckoos as it welcomed the rains, the way of gods to bless them..., the drizzle as it signified the laziness of the day..., the torrential rains as it meant the gods were smiling at them, the harvest would be golden and would yield a good crop..., the rainbows as it meant that life would be as colourful as the rainbow...

Each monsoon came and went seeing her transition from the little girl who did'nt have a care in the world to the responsible, pretty young woman looking after her old father and her fields as it was the crop that gave them bread and butter for an entire year. The innocence of the childhood was lost to these practical concerns. The rains simply came and went without her even as much as watching it... Yes, she waited for the rains only to water her crop but the charm was lost as she was out of her little world, into the real, big, bad world...

The daughter-father duo were aware that there would be a time when she would leave that place for good, just like other girls... But, they didn't know it would be so soon!! The wealthy merchant of their village had asked for her hand for his son. Her father was only too glad for her as she would always be well-fed, comfortable and happy and would never have to depend on the rains for food... The fear of living and taking care of the fields without her was a fear that secretly lurked in his mind, tormenting him but his daughter's happiness mattered more than his discomfort... And, anyway. she was not leaving him for good, she would be right down the next alley in the palatial building of the merchant.

The day came when she tearfully said goodbye, feeling a part of her was left behind with baba, wondering if she would be as happy as she was here... even if it meant in staying in the enormous, palatial villa she had envied as a child... Surely, no villas, no clothes, no jewellery could equate with the joy of being with baba, asking him unnecessary, irrelevant questions, walking those mountains in the rains, the steaming hot tea, the mud caked home she stayed in... She only prayed silently to God to take care of her baba after she had gone and uska kya tha, kahin bhi khush rah legi...

Getting married was like being reborn in a different set of circumstances, different backgrounds, different people, different cultures, she realised. Her mother-in-law was the mother she never had... She had never used amma before and her eyes welled up when she uttered the word. The merchant's wife was like the mother she had never been with. The merchant was although quite far from baba, loud, pan-chewing, brash, aggressive tones were what he was like unlike baba. A good human being though, very helpful, thoughtful, kind but also quite shrewd when it came to money.. But that's how you get rich, she wondered silently. Her husband was very understanding probably because he loved her more than she loved him..., very sensitive to her needs, fears, worries as he fully acknowledged the fact that she had left behind her home, her baba to be with him and he realised it was his duty to make her happy and never regret the decision taken for her..., took good care of her as she was the girl she had loved right since they were kids... his first memory of her was that of a drenched fairy with her wings clipped, waiting to fly, to soar in the open sky from that mountain cliff holding the hand of her baba... He had wanted that hand to be his hand from those days and now that he had it, he would take care of that fairy who made his life worth living...

Time flew by till she was used to all the comforts of her new home. She made sure she would visit baba every week to clean up his home. She realised bitterly that it wasn't her home anymore but she was happy, very happy in her home too. Her mother-in-law was like a mother, her father-in-law was always encouraging her to supervise the field workers. He was not too appreciative of her working in the fields as it defied their status. So, she did miss doing that but man ko samjha liya tha.. ab koi baat nahin. She had even appointed one of her workers to look after her baba's field too, Of course, she missed the smell of the earth in her hands, her clother without a single mud stain, the feel of the raw earth in her hands but she was happy with her life with Aryan.. He was an absolutely loving, devoted husband and strived to keep her happy at all times. Her baba was content that his little angel was happy in her world.. Yes, he felt his existence futile as he missed being the centre of Shikha's world, rather, he missed being Shikha's world. Aryan was, without doubt, an able son-in-law and a good husband, he still could figure out things from the sparkle of his angel's eyes. The weekly visit was not enough to make up for her absence, he did not have to toil at the fields any more... The purpose of life was lost, he kept thinking till one summer night, he passed away...

She found out the next morning when she was on her weekly visit to baba's place. The tears kept streaming for quite sometime after his funeral. The memories kept coming back as she was all he had had and he was all she had ever had back then.. Of course, things had changed in the last two years after marrying Aryan. He had become her universe, just like baba had been, but that was the way of life for daughters..

Time flew on, and she was blessed with twin boys.. The family was overjoyed and the treats went on and on until the boys were atleast a year old.. The boys grew up in the same village and she would take them to the mountain cliffs where baba would take her to feel the rains cleansing their souls. Aryan would come whenever he was not travelling. Since the business had expanded since their marriage, it demanded a lot more time and attention and for Aryan, business came first.. The justification was he was working hard for her, so that he could provide her with whatever she wanted...

She missed the Aryan she had married few years back but, in essence he was the same and then some relationships change form after time... Her father-in-law had expired soon after the expiry of amma, he could not survive the shock that she left for heavenly abode leaving him alone without as much as a warning... It was after the kids' fifth birthday that amma had a gold chain made for both of them and adorned it around their necks and immediately after went to her room for a short nap, which never ended... Aryan and the kids were very upset and so was she... In her effort to soothe Aryan and the kids, she would put up a brave face and pretended to have forgotten about her own grief... After all, amma was her mother, had always been her mother...

Her father-in-law was in deep shock and was not able to fathom the fact that she really did not exist anymore... After all, amma did not have any ailments. The fact that he had never as much as gift her a saree kept haunting him, the fact that he had never told her that he cared for her, the fact that he loved her, he would have wanted to thank her for raising Aryan like she had, he would have wanted to do things differently than he had done, he would have loved to relive his life with her again.. These things kept going round and round in his head until he breathed his last in his sleep on one humid day, just months after amma had expired.

Aryan was inconsolable and so were the kids. He had lost his guide and the kids, their partner-in-crime. Anyways life moved on after the funeral. Aryan had to devote more and more time to business as his father also wasn't around to help him with the affairs.. The kids had to go the city to study and Aryan and Shikha were left all by themselves. He started cutting down on business due to his ill-health. Besides, they were blessed with wealth and prosperity, intelligent, obedient children and did not have anything to ask for from God.

One rainy day, as Aryan was sipping his tea, the cup flew out of his hands as he clutched the left side of his chest.. There was a roaring pain in his chest and before she could come back with the doctor, he was no more... She was sobbing loudly grieving her loss, the red and green bangles coming down on the floor as she kept hitting her hand on the floor. The funeral rites changed her life forever. The red sarees were replaced by white ones, the jewellery had gone back into the jewellery box, the nose ring had come off... The kids insisted she also come with them to Mumbai but she wanted to be here with all her memories, she wanted to be with the trees she knew, the people she knew.. The village had given her everything, her childhood, her youth, marriage, amma, motherhood and at this stage, she did not want to relocate elsewhere to be starting afresh...

And now that she was all alone, it felt like she was revisiting her childhood with the raindrops falling on her face, drenching her yet again like she used to be... Everything around her had changed but not the rains... They were as welcoming as ever and took her in her arms without judging, without demanding explanations, without asking why she had not come to soak herself in the downpour, accepting her just as she was... sweet, gentle, pretty although the features had become firmer with time, understanding but there was a difference now she wasn't related to anyone in her village... WIth the kids gone and baba and Aryan no mopre, it was she, herself and that was all that mattered... Atleast now, she would start living for herself, be herself and know the difference in the spirit of being "me" from "our"!!!

A fifteenth wedding anniversary

A broken bangle, a stopped watch was all he had! A remainder of her! The watched showed 11.45 pm of the 24th of September of 2007. His life seemed to have stopped moving from that moment!

It was their fifteenth wedding anniversary. He had had all the possible joys of life with her as his wife, his better half, his life. They had waltzed through the tough times and jived through the happy ones. Kind, considerate, understanding, docile... a perfect partner for him, aggressive, loud, ambitious, domineering... Her speciality was her simplicity and needs that were as simple as a talkathon or maybe a walk by the seaside! Life had blessed them with two kids as intelligent as he was and as beautiful as she was at one point of time in life but maybe they were not to stay with them for long... They had nothing to ask of God at that moment! The complaint still remained on how He had called Joshua and Cain back to Him but on the whole, a fulfilling life...

He had arranged an elaborate candlelit dinner and dance for her, to make up for lost time, to bring her out of the loss of their kids... Everything went as per plan except when they started waltzing. She seemed to feel dizzy every now and then! He assumed it to be a signal of age as they were not getting any younger! They stopped for a break every now and then until she collapsed unconscious in his arms. He tried to revive her, first aid, CPR, nothing seemed to work!! A doctor was called for to make the death certificate. It read "24th September, 2007 11.45 pm Brain Tumour".

The last bit of her that remained in his life was her broken bangle and the wristwatch he had gifted her on their engagement day! Incidentally, they started their journey with that watch and had ended also with that watch!!!

Nothing remained the same! His attention to business was scanty! The problem was him, he didn't see how to get on with life without her! The question still haunted him! Why was the reason brain tumour was something his mind was not able to decipher... It had been six weeks now that she was gone.. His journey to sanity had started! He started going through her closet! He still felt her warm, tender touch in his hair every time there was a strong gust of wind. He still felt her faint smell lingering in her clothes... Her pictures looked like she would speak any moment! Or better still, come back to life! Her signature lay in her jewellery identified by her unique touch to it. Her new handbag from Austria that he had got her, was still waiting for her to lay her hands on it... He bitterly realised that it would never happen!!

He picked up the wedding album and went through it for an eternity! Seemed like she had gone on a vacation and would come back... The only thing remained was that she wouldn't and she couldn't!!! The corner of her diary caught his eye... Her most prized possession, her beloved diary... She wouldn't allow him to even have as much as a peek at it... It lay there sullen waiting for it to be picked up! He hesitated... waited.... asked himself.... and then decided that all he had of her was the diary... That was the only place where he would still get to hear "I love you". The woman had long gone and so had her words, her cares and concerns.. Every time he came home with a sullen heart, he knew she would be there to comfort him... The lap of comfort, the tears of joy, his grit, his inspiration. his encouragement had all vanished with her... Life seemed to be at a standstill....

Finally, he picked the diary up with wavering hands and started flipping the pages... It appeared to be of 2002. She had described each day vividly with all the different colours life had given her... Pink, red, yellow, blue, green... Upto August, everything was fine and picture perfect just how their life was... Post August, she seemed to be writing of a dizziness that did not allow her to drive... The writing did not seem to be hers, a usually neat piece of art. It had turned into more of a a scrawl, probably because of the dizziness... He realised she did give up driving about a year and a half back... The dizziness puzzled him... It was mysterious but why had he not realised that before!! Had he..... maybe the outcome would have been.....

The rains came and went without any insistence on her part to go out for a drive! Back then, he had assumed that she had been her usual understanding self considering he had to go to Austria for a new project... For the next two months, her complaints of headaches and dizziness seemed to increase. She had never told him about it. Nahhhh.... he had never asked her about it.

In December, she seemed to complain about a slight weight loss.. Yes, he had noticed that! After his trip to Austria, he did realise that she had lost a slight amount of weight. He had also noticed the withdrawal symptoms... probably due to the headaches... She did not let him lay as much as a finger on her probably because her headaches were killing her... He assumed a wrong meaning to her behaviour and even thought the unthinkable!

There was a time in about January when he had thought she had in all probabilities found someone else as she spent most of her time either in the church or going to the park! He gave up talking to her because of his distrust... The poor dear had tried explaining that nothing was amiss but he wouldn't understand. As luck would have it, they met with an accident where he had dislocated his hip bone and her skull was ripped apart.... The kids did not survive to see the light of the day. She seemed to have forgotten about all her headaches, pains, stitches and she worked all day and night taking care of him, waking up at odd hours to help him to the toilet, walk with him each day to the garden putting behind her own sorrows of a mother... Luckily, better sense prevailed on him and by mid April, he realised he was being foolish by not talking to her as she was not capable of cheating him... How could a person cheat on a person she loved with all her heart? How could a person who had forgotten about all her pains and tended to him even think about anyone else? Her mind seemed to be sooo full of him that there was no place for any one else, not even Joshua and Cain.... The pages for her diary in the months of Janury, February, March and April did make up for all that she had never said aloud... He was certain she had loved him but those pages made him realise she worshipped him, he was her most prized possessionm even more priceless than her diaries... She had felt lucky in the pages that atleast he had escaped the accident and she had buried all her tears for Josh and Canny in those pages. Also, was buried a silent prayer that he outlive her... as he was her purpose of living, her source of happiness... Tum nahin toh kuch nahin.... Those words haunted him... On the exterior, she was the same strong woman he had always known! How could he have mistrusted this woman, so pure of virtue, her heart of gold? He felt much more guilty now as he had no chance of apologising... He shouldn't have doubted... but he had! He should have trusted but he didn't! He should have loved unconditionally but he didn't! He should have done a 100 other things but.... he had lost his chance...

Mid May when he was almost back to normal, she talked about a migraine test that was negative... The pages also spoke about a CT scan... The result was apparently a malignant growth at the back of her head which was the cause of the headaches, her weight loss. By now, it was soo obvious to the naked eye... The pages spoke about a pain that he was perhaps even incapable of bearing! How had he remained oblivious to this fact? Does it always mean that she has always had to sacrifice for him, his wellbeing? Maybe the result could have been different had the test been taken in January itself or even before, had he.....

June, July and August talked about the most torturous pain that he couldn't go on... Tears were streaming from his eyes but he blamed himself for not.... One of the marriage vows was to take care of her in good times and bad.... This marriage had always been about him, his good times, his bad times... hindsight without her even whimpering, let alone complaining.... The "We" in the marriage had disappeared.... Had he another chance, probably he would make it up to her... but he had none... She had not been generous enough, he thought and then regretted... Even now, I'm complaining was what came to his mind.... Was he ever being sensitive to her needs? It was always he who came first.. She did not complain even when she lost their kids.... cos she had him... Was he a reason worth living, he wondered...

He pushed himself to read what lay in the last few days of her life... The trauma, the visits to the hospitals, the pain of losing Josh and Canny was all taken heads on herself... Just like another marriage vow he remembered... If any trouble was to come my husband's way, I would stand in front of him and face it.... She had actually meant all that she had promised and had practised it to a tee.. He felt so inadequate... What good had he been as her husband? He couldn't protect her from the pain she went through... Forget protect, he couldn't even share it... She should've told me, he thought... But in reality did I not see the signs was the question his mind put to him. He had no answers.... Was I even able to focus anywhere else other than the Belgium project? Was I even listening to her when she used to talk? He missed talking to her... Is a marriage only about her understanding me? Does it not apply vice versa?

As he read the last page of her diary 24th September 2007... she had thanked God for blessing her with such an understanding, sensitive, caring, loving husband... The words hit him like a slap on his face... They lashed at him. Even after so much she had still been thanking God for having him in her life... She said that there was no concept like rebirth in Christianity but if there were, she would want to be with him again and again and again... He was totally dumbfounded... Could someone like her, divine, pristine love anyone like him so much? He was wondering why she didn't take him with her... to Heaven, the place she deserved! Again, asking her to do something for him!!!

Suddenly, he felt a sharp stab of pain in the left side of his chest.... It kept increasing and increasing until he felt his heart in his mouth. And he smiled as he realised the last favour she had done him... to take him away with her so that they could be together... where he would try and be a better husband and a better partner than what he had been in this lifetime... His wish had always been her command, and it still was, even after she was no more... His soul rose from his body and felt hers watching over him, guarding him, protecting him, nurturing him... even after death... She was his guardian angel. taking care of him even though she was not been physically present.. That was commitment for her!

The milkman was at the door ringing the bell the next morning.... When the door was not opened, it was forced open. The doctor had come another time and the death certificate read "8th November 2007, 11.45 pm... Heart Attack", her birthday.... They were to be reunited on her birthday, maybe this was their joint destiny...