The Birthday Surprise

The moonlight streamed through the curtains as Arman lay awake on his bed in Paris. He turned to look at the moon as he still felt her presence He could still smell the flowery perfume that she used to always wear, the jingle of the bangles that he used to find so irritating. Everything felt the same except that she was missing, Haya was missing…. She was near yet so far. He remembered those moonlit walks by the beach about five years ago when they were in college. Walking barefoot on the sand, so many unuttered vows, unending conversations, stolen moments…. All of them now just felt like a thing of the distant past. Things were so different now, he thought. There were so many things to think about now… The house, cars, EMIs, his parents, their two and a half year old son Pal and the list went on and on. Life was passing by in the name of maturity.

Constantly on the move, Arman lived his life in and out of suitcases without a dull moment in his life, while Haya took a backseat to take care of his home and everything connected with it. And she did such a great job of it that his connection with home, parents actually seemed lost in his world of business meetings, conferences, travel schedules.

Haya, on the other hand, without complaining would continue her daily ritual without as a much as a sigh. Waking up his mom and dad for the yoga class, preparing breakfast, getting Pal ready for his kindergarten, getting lunch ready, picking up Pal from his class. Sacrificing a blossoming career to do what she was doing had never been an easy choice. She often thought if things would have been any different had she not given up working. And the thought would be abandoned immediately without any further attention because of all the things she had and above all Arman who loved and respected her for all that! Or so she thought! Arman very well knew that she was better than him in most respects and in all probabilities could have overtaken him in the career segment too.

Here he was in Paris looking at the moon and reminiscing of the earlier moments which actually made his life which came to haunt his sleep. He could have chosen to call up Haya but the time zones made it so difficult and calling through the day was just not feasible with office chores demanding his attention. He kept thinking she had changed and that too drastically. From the slim, charming lady, she had most certainly put on oodles of weight. It was hard not to notice the prominent fine lines on her face. From the giggly, lovely lady who kept putting him at his wit’s end with her sense of humour, she had transformed into a serious adult. There was no laughter in her life, only responsibilities. She had crumbled under those and the conversations had vanished between them. Or maybe the priorities in her life had changed? He was not the only thing in her life now; a stark contrast to the times when she had eyes only for him. There was no sparkling wit left, no conversation, no concern… Or was it?

It was a pity that he was in the city of romance without his partner. As he saw couples strolling hand in hand under the moonlight, he wondered what changed and what made his marriage loveless, their marriage loveless…

Yes, she could have tried. She maybe even should have tried… But she is not the only one responsible, Arman thought. He too, had changed with the added responsibilities at work. Apart from his thinning hair and his slightly expanding waistline, he realised he too had started distancing himself from conflict. Resolving conflict even before it arose was what attributed to this success but at home, it was quite a different story!

Haya was the same woman who used to get him lunch every day to office to spend some quality time. Those were the days when he waited for the lunch break to begin. But as each day passed, the number of meetings increased and so did Haya’s waiting time. Without any complaints or resistance, she kept coming each day with that big, bright smile that was now missing and that big bag of goodies till the day when he asked her to keep the bag with his secretary and not disturb him. The number of visits started decreasing in line with Arman’s dwindling patience.

The flowers that she kept sending him every time he bagged a project, whether big or small. These flowers also stopped coming when the recipient of the flowers turned out to be his secretary, since he was always busy and in the middle of something that he could not collect the flowers himself.

The surprise getaways that he used to love which she planned also stopped when he would have sudden travel plans. The parties that she organised also started dwindling when he could not make it in time for his own birthday party. He turned up after the guests had already left. The cake had still not been cut and what a showdown there was after that! After which, he had heartlessly bellowed that he had no time for such nonsense. After all, it was just a birthday! She stopped going to the airport to pick him up after his travel from the time when he had hailed a cab for office without even bothering to wait for her.

So when he actually sat to think, Arman felt that maybe Haya was not all that wrong after all. Hindsight, had he been in Haya’s place, he may have considered walking out on her. And yes, how could he forget the time when his father got a heart attack and he was in a conference in Rome and was unable to leave. If not for Haya, things could have been ugly. Thinking about leave, he could not take leave even when Haya was expecting their first child. She had still forgiven him for that. Of course, he did have his secretary send flowers, who sent a bouquet of red roses instead of pink orchids that she so loved. In an instant, it was so clear that Arman had not taken out time to send those flowers. He still could not forget that look in her eyes.
She had always been the quiet, supportive but forsaken partner without even letting him know of any discomforts other than a couple of occasions. Remembering all this made Arman so morose that he decided to make a quick call to Haya. To hell with the time zones, he thought… He called on her mobile a little after 12 am. She sounded concerned when she picked the call. Arman inquired why and immediately realised he shouldn’t have… He couldn’t himself recollect when he had called her just to say hi. All his phone calls either were because he had to suddenly travel or because he had to go for a sudden business dinner. When he told her that call was to tell her that he missed her presence in his life, there was a long eerie silence at the other end. Arman wondered if the line got disconnected when Haya finally managed to whisper “I miss you too”. This was too much for Arman who quickly hung up after that. It felt very odd that they lived in the same house but hardly met each other. In fact, it was amazing that she took full onus of his parents, Pal… He was an absent child and an absent parent with Haya always covering up for him… And this was what he did to her… When was the last time he took Haya out for dinner? In fact he even forgot her birthdays…

Thinking of birthdays, he realised that it was 19th of June that day and 21st June would be Haya’s birthday but his flight tickets were booked for the 22nd of June. He made a mental note to prepone his travel and surprise her after ages… Or atleast it felt like ages! After completing half his schedule on the next day Arman rushed to the airport to take his flight.

As he returned home from the airport, he realised it was truly his homecoming. He stopped on his way to pick up a long stemmed red rose and the same elaborate arrangement of pink orchids that he had taken when he had proposed to her years back. He doubted if she would recall but he most certainly did! It was about 5 minutes to 12 when he reached home. He opened the door and quietly sneaked into his bedroom and was dismayed to see Haya sleeping soundly with her mother by her side, where he should have lain… Her mother dropped in since Haya did not want to be alone on her birthday with Pal since Arman’s parents had gone for a religious trip. Her mother whisked him out of the room and told him that Haya had a terrible headache and had gone to sleep half an hour back.

Headaches… Arman knew what had happened! Haya was sad and hurt because she thought he forgot her birthday yet again. She would have been upset that he didn’t remember her birthday and still had a travel schedule planned. Of course, she was not supposed to know that her sweetheart was arranging a special surprise for her… and he was the surprise.

He went into his bedroom and placed his luggage in a corner and the long stemmed red rose by her bedside. He tiptoed to the kitchen to place the pink orchids’ bouquet and went to the guest room to complete his sleep.

When Haya awoke the next morning, she was shocked to see the red rose by her bedside. She felt it may have been Arman and quickly turned around only to find her mom sleeping next to her. She discarded the thought swiftly and walked out of the room absently. As she walked to the kitchen, she thought mom may have kept it for her since it was her birthday. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the same pink orchids’ bouquet that she had received when….. Only Arman knew she loved pink orchids!

She practically ran to her room again to find her mom sleeping. But she managed to see the luggage and knew he was back. She rushed to his parents’ room to find it empty and then hurried to the guest room where she found her sweetheart. He awoke to her squeals of delight and she practically threw herself in his arms and started sobbing, “I though you forgot about me yet again”. He assured her now that he was her and forever! Being the guy he was, he could not bring himself to admit that he had been wrong on various occasions but had mentally made up his mind that he would more than make up for his mistakes. He was going to bring back the love, the fun, the excitement…

These were women, Arman thought! Strong yet so fragile, firm yet so flexible, nurturing, caring, comforting, melting at the slightest of the things… Forgiving and forgetting was an area where woman still scored over man, Arman thought as he pulled Haya closer to never let go. Tonight would be different, he whispered as Haya blushed… But he smiled inwardly and thought every night after this would be different. This was one opportunity to correct his follies and he would grab it with both hands. He was happy he did get his college sweetheart back after all!

Falling in love again with her was so easy, he realised… Just an “I miss you” call, few flowers did the trick. Love never fades but the expression of love certainly could!! Haya had forgiven him with the very fact that he had thought of her. It didn’t take him expensive gifts but just the thought counted. He vowed that history would never repeat himself. It is with great difficulty that we find the people that we love and squandering that love was most certainly a sin, he thought as he kissed Haya wishing her a happy birthday… This was one birthday that neither of them would forget.

Picture of many words........

The picture was nearly complete, just a few strokes left, she thought with a smile. The moonlight was streaming through the maze of trees forming brocade like design. Her hair was shimmering and her shadow was dancing as she set to work on those last few strokes of the painting...

She was mixing the colours so as to make a skin tone and started applying the colour with the tip of her thumb... thinking how it would be to be with a person who would take care of her, protect her, hold her hand and lead her to the door, open doors for her, sweep her off her feet... just like any hero out of a Mills and Boon.

I suppose there is a time and place for everything and when it is the right time, he would come by, she thought helplessly. Until then, wait was all she could do and was doing! Her life had only these oil colours that she used on her canvasses. Real life was beyond these canvasses and at some point in time; everyone needs a shoulder to cry on, a warm, reassuring hug and stolen kisses... Yes, it was true that she had many suitors just like any other girl her age would but something was always missing.

The painting was done! It was a young girl with a white veil on her face with teary eyes. The woman in the picture was just like her! Pretty, demure, elegant, poised, shy, delicate just like a touch-me-not... except that the solitude, the loneliness, the abandonment did not quite show in the face on the painting... The painting was picture perfect but that is just what it was!!! A painting!!! The picture spoke for itself. A white veil could mean a wedding veil or it could even imply mourning something. The teary eyes could imply the happiness streaming out of someone's eyes or the sorrow held in someone's eyes. She never clarified anything as she was a painting and neither did Neena, the painter!!!

She reclined on her armchair watching the moon. After a few moments, her search for her parents started amongst those stars. She believed the stars that shined the brightest were her parents up in the sky watching her and her paintings. They would look after her until she found that special someone... Until then, an endless wait... She would keep searching her parents each night until her eyes shut out of sheer exhaustion... Sleep eluded her eyes even now, four years after the incident...

The memories of the incident still haunted her each night, the cause of her sleeplessness… They had been returning from the mountains as they normally did each monsoon. The roads were slippery from the previous night’s downpour. The car slipped and swerved just a little, but enough to tilt the car and push it to the cliff. Neena had been snoozing in the backseat like always when this happened. Her parents were flabbergasted and did not quite understand how to save themselves from the obvious end in the given situation. They coaxed Neena to jump out of the car with her wallet, just in case she might need some cash to return home. She was not willing to move from the car as she fully well understood that the moment she moved, the car would drop in the laps of the mountains.

She sat rooted to her spot, adamantly refusing to leave. After much persuasion, she agreed to move out if they promised that they would also follow her out. She cautiously opened the door and threw her backpack out of the car and very slowly moved out of the car. The car started swinging at the cliff and started sliding down the hilltop and as forced down by the strong wind and ended in a huge ball of fire and a charred tin body of the car. It seemed like a toy being thrown off her apartment on the fifth floor… She dreaded to think what would have happened to her parents. She sat there, disbelieving what just happened in front of her eyes. Tear-stricken face, disheveled hair, mud-stained clothes, she sat there until a police van came by and took stock of the incident and took her home, her empty home…

Of course, she got the insurance claim that was available for her father and her mother. That probably reduced all the monetary anxieties that she would have to face without them until she set up her own career… Paintings and exhibitions was what she had been professionally trained for. The result for the final examination was due but she knew it she would ace it like always. The results came out within a few days after the horrific incident. She had aced like every other time and was elated but the elation lasted only momentarily until she had to be on her way home. She bitterly realised that there would be no one to celebrate her success with; it would be all so cold and barren.

Life had to move on. She quickly started her paintings and set up exhibitions. Each was more successful than the previous one. She had become a celebrity of sorts. The noveau riche and the traditionally rich, the young and the old, all seemed to appreciate her work as it appealed to the basic instincts of love, trust, compassion… These were abstracts that were missing in her life other than her love to paint, her success was probably attributable to these factors, since the lack of something always gives the true value of those factors.

Kashish, an avid reader and a critic by profession was forced by the editor into covering up one of Neena’s exhibitions. Not one of the choicest things to critique for, he reached the venue with a bit of resistance and a lot of reluctance, expecting some hi-society woman with coloured hair, dolled-up face, manicured hands making some strokes on the canvas calling it a painting. Meeting Neena was a pleasant surprise for him. She was a young, simple girl in a pink salwar kameez, long hair, charming face with no make-up, hands coarse from the use of oil paints… So different from what he had expected! Her paintings were also as different as she was! They were vague and ambiguous leaving so much to the imagination of the viewer, happy but could be sad, sad but could be happy, boring but could be fun, fun but could be boring, simple but could be complex, complex but could be simple… The paintings gave love, natural beauty, feelings an entirely new dimension. They had a great deal of depth that appealed to the old, they were vibrant to appeal to the young, glossy to appeal to the nouveau riche, with matte finishes appealing to the traditionally rich… Everyone had to like her paintings.

Kashish was very impressed with what he saw and started covering up all her exhibitions by choice, now! Seeing him covering her exhibitions almost always, Neena and Kashish would exchange pleasantries and had already exchanged visiting cards. She would inform him in advance about her upcoming exhibitions.

Over numerous exhibitions and a couple of years, they had become friends. They would meet up for coffee on her terrace whenever he was passing by. She was too shy to call him but nevertheless did enjoy his company immensely. Over time, Kashish knew about that accident, that pain, those nightmares… Her worst nightmare was someone leaving her all alone to fend for herself…. And she was living it each day, each moment! He wanted so desperately to give her new dreams, a new life, a new perspective, a new persona… but she would seem as distant as the moon… So near, but yet so far… She was within his sight but not in his realm of people, he was not able to express all the thoughts he harboured for her….

Things continued the same way until Kashish had to go back to his native place to consider a girl his parents liked… for marriage. He didn’t want to but did not have any choice either… He wanted to speak to Neena but that was not feasible. He did not know how she would react and he did not want to give her another scar. Another exhibition happened and of course, Kashish went to cover it!

One of the paintings caught his interest. A young lad was on one knee holding the girl’s left hand with his right hand, with the girl’s right hand on his ear. Again, there was a mystery shrouded! It could mean that the lad was proposing to the lass and the hand on the shoulder could mean the lass reprimanding him… Anyways, this was as far as Neena could go, the painting was expressive like always but like every other time, could have two meanings attached… Kashish made his friend bid on his behalf and bought the painting that cost him his salary for two months… But, she was worth twenty, let alone two, he thought…

At the end of the day, he took the painting and left for Neena’s home. She was sipping her iced tea when he rang the door. She went to open the door and was surprised to see Kashish with a huge package. He had not called her like he normally did! She had never shared her birth date with him, so she was wondering looking at the package as to how he knew, rather whether he knew.

Kashish gave her the package saying it was for her. So he knew! But how, she wondered. Anyway, she put that aside for now and started to unwrap the package. She was astonished to see her painting. Kashish slowly inched towards her and asked her what it meant to her… She paused and wondered how that is relevant. Commitment, love, care, consideration, trust was what the painting meant to her. Commitment because in the room full of young people, he felt strongly enough to express his love with the ring held in his left hand. Love because he was looking at her giving her the option to decide if she would want to keep the ring. Care because he was holding her hand ever so slightly, firmly yet not intruding. Consideration because she was willing to listen to him even as the entire room turned to look at them. Trust because she looked comfortable with him on one knee, knowing that he would not embarrass her in any form and which is why the arm on his shoulder.

Kashish was very happy to hear her answer and replied that he felt the same way about the painting and that he would want to be the young lad in the painting. Too stunned too react, Neena didn’t move, while Kashish bowed down and got the ring out from his pocket… Nothing needed to be said when her hand came down upon his shoulder and the ring slipped into her ring finger… Friendship was the most basic form of love, respect, trust and Kashish had always been her best friend after the accident, the exhibitions, the paintings…

Friends forever.......

How do I live without you, I just don't know. How do I breathe without you, if you ever go? How do I oh how do I ever survive? was playing in the cold December night. The lovely interlude that had happened between them came to her mind. There was a point in time where she used to like someone like most people her age.

Anish, her best friend was understanding, mature, sensitive, caring, kind, supportive and everything a woman would want in a partner. Priya, his best friend was pretty, vivacious, indecisive, a little childish at times but... he was used to overlooking it. They fought a lot and kept getting back to each other believing in the same funda! Let someone you love free, they'll come back to you! Since I love him, I have to go back to him! Since I love her, I have to go back to her! Both of them liked each other, cherished each other's company but that was something unspoken.

That night had just been too terrible, icy, cold words being flung at each other! But this time, he had actually raised his hand to slap her. He stopped himself from striking her just in the nick of time. That had been the last straw for her! Rage, embarrassment, shame, anger, all piled up within her, her face was burning and tears were stinging her eyes. She had decided to walk out of there for his good, for her good, for their good... Normally, the issue was something she could hardly even recollect now but this time, it was a little different. But that is what happened most of the times. The issues would soon be forgotten, resolved or dissolved but this once, it had just gone a little too far.

She was used to him coming back whenever she stopped talking trying to pacify her, trying to talk her into forgiving him... She would look here and there and finally when she wasn't able to pretend anymore, she would give that smile... That smile that would light up an overcast day! He would apologise profusely and they would be the same on any given normal day.

She had gone back to her aunt's house and continued waiting for him to come back and apologise. Unsure of whether he would come, she contined to focus on her painting that was her source of income, her way of killing time and her means of survival and getting on with life. She would wait for him, his mails, his calls, his messages. Whenever there was a call, she would jump up expectantly and be dismayed to see one of her friends calling. While opening any message, she would go it-may-be-Anish.

Days went on with her waiting for him to come back, he waiting for her to come back. The fault was not quite visible but the words were, the actions were! Each thought the other was wrong... Anish was focussing on work, the only thing he knew best. A man of no hobbies, no pastimes other than Priya and work and Priya and work and Priya. Life meant hanging around with Priya after a hard day at work. It used to be the same even when they studied, Priya and studies! On Priya's end, it was quite similar... Though they stayed separately, most of her time was spent at Anish's place helping his mom with the cooking and the laundry and the dish-washing et al. Priya loved a lot of things, reading, dancing, painting, trekking... But it was Anish who was topmost on her list of priorities and painting next as she was a professional painter.

Now that marriage had become a possibility in near future, Anish wanted to ask her out but after this spate he was wondering if she would even consider him... He had even raised his hand on her which was so not justified... A remorseful, guilty Anish kept thnking he would go to her aunt's place, make an excuse and pacify her and then pop the question.

Her aunt always thought Anish was a fine guy but whenever she asked Priya, she would only scrape the issue. She left it at that each time thinking that Priya and Anish were only best friends. This time around, she was worried because whenever she saw Priya, she was either waiting by the phone or looking at the clock. Her paintings were not the same, they were obscure, abstract, dull coloured, lonely... Maybe their fight had gone too far but she decided to keep mum until Priya said anything about the issue.

Four months had gone by but there was no sign of Anish. Priya had also decided that she would not go back as he actually raised his hand on her just because she said she liked a particular Samman. He was not exactly a person clear of bad habits and Anish was stunned she actually would like him. Of course, Priya did not like her in the way she liked Anish, she in fact had begun to love Anish enough as she would often think as to how life would be with him if they were to get married... As far as Samman went, she liked him only because he had bailed her out a couple of times by giving his plot to her for her art exhibitions...

Anish's contention was that she should like someone who is worthy of her.. He had never bothered to ask her if the liking went any further.. He should have known that he was the only person in her life... If he couldn't read as much, was he as understanding as she thought? She was disgusted that he could even that way.. and that too about her, the girl who spent each minute of her waking time with him... Wasn't that enough to say it all?Anyways, that was a thing of the past, she said to herself and focussed on the painting brush. Back to her normal life, she was painting like she used to because life just goes on with or without Anish.

Work was becomng really stressing out for Anish because Priya was no longer there to sing for him, to go out for walks, to dance with him at the clubs... He was left with nothing as sand never stays in your fist if it is clenched. He thought he was being too possessive and she had every right to decide her life, her likes, her dislikes... Who was he to comment on?

He didn't know that he was her life, her dream, her ambition, her everything... Her life started and ended with Anish... Without him where was she even living? Life had suddenly come to a standstill and she was at a crossroad and she felt lost when it came to making a decision. So far, Anish had been making all her major decisions for her... Everytime there was a permanent fix to all her problems... Anish.. But he was probably very happy with himself, his world, his career. She even started feeling that all that she ever was for Anish was a poor orphan for whom he had sympathy for! And no.... She wouldn't go back to him... She never liked charity!!

One fine day, Anish's mom had a sudden heart attack... Fortunately, he was at home as it was a Sunday and rushed him mom to the nearest hospital. Priya saw Anish's car whiz by with a visibly tense-looking Anish. She didn't waste a second and took the first taxi she could find. As Anish parked his car, she quickly paid the fare and hurried to find out the matter. Seeing his mom in pain, she quickly rushed inside to get a stretcher and got her admitted.

Anish was very surprised, shocked but happy. He still mattered to her. Once he was done with the necessary formalities, he sat down on the couch next to Priya. The conversation should have happened long back but there is a time and place for everything. They exchanged awkward pleasantries; she thinking I bothered him yet again; he thinking this is the woman I want to be with. She asked the reason for the sudden hospitalisation of his mother. He started giving her reasons for his sudden disappearance. He didn't have any valid reasons but he kept trying with a brave face. She wondered aloud that this was not the answer to her question. In reply, he said that he loved her and he would want to spend the rest of his waking moments with her... This was the best answer to her unasked questions, there were so many of those... He could see them in her eyes. A moist-eyed Priya could only manage "Have you asked aunty?" in reply. Unromantic as ever, sturdy as ever, considerate as ever, she was his partner to be, the best he could ever find!!! The wait had ended, they were together... Just a matter of time, till his mom was well enough to talk to her aunt. She clutched his shoulder and said that she would be back with lunch for them. That smile said it all, the love, the commitment, the wait, the promise...

The Spirit of Being "Me"

An overcast sky, the sun hiding behind the clouds... practically playing hide and seek. Looks like it will rain down again, she thought silently and made an effort to get back home before that happened. Sitting at the same clearing on the mountain cliff, she was able to predict the rains from the patterns of the clouds and the angles of the rays passing through them. The frequency of her visits to the place had made her a part of the place where the birds waited for her, looked out for her whenever she was late.

This spot, this lap of Nature was the only thing that offered her comfort, peace, a reason to smile, a reason to sob with joy... It was a pretty little spot that was surrounded by trees, very welcoming with birds all around her waiting for her to give them their regular feed. Inspite of the soil being infertile, she had toiled hard and had been able to cultivate it to yield fruit with her regular and hard work.

The lightning struck and there were loud claps of thunder followed by a surreptitious fall of raindrops hitting her body as she went running down looking for shelter. There was so much of a difference then, she felt. She thought of the days she used to come up here with her father... He would hold her hand and help her tread the muddy path along the mountain when it rained. They would wait at each step, while she would look at the thirsty plants and grass come alive. She would jump up in joy every time she would see a butterfly on a flower that had been resurrected by the shower. Her father would watch her from a distance asking her to be careful. Every time, she grazed her knee, he would scold her and kiss her knee to make her smile again. He would keep replying to her incessant string of questions trying to satisfy her insatiable mind. She would keep hopping and skipping from puddle to puddle ahead of her father, yet at the same time making sure he was always in sight.

Like always, their moods would be lifted with the chirping of the cuckoos as it welcomed the rains, the way of gods to bless them..., the drizzle as it signified the laziness of the day..., the torrential rains as it meant the gods were smiling at them, the harvest would be golden and would yield a good crop..., the rainbows as it meant that life would be as colourful as the rainbow...

Each monsoon came and went seeing her transition from the little girl who did'nt have a care in the world to the responsible, pretty young woman looking after her old father and her fields as it was the crop that gave them bread and butter for an entire year. The innocence of the childhood was lost to these practical concerns. The rains simply came and went without her even as much as watching it... Yes, she waited for the rains only to water her crop but the charm was lost as she was out of her little world, into the real, big, bad world...

The daughter-father duo were aware that there would be a time when she would leave that place for good, just like other girls... But, they didn't know it would be so soon!! The wealthy merchant of their village had asked for her hand for his son. Her father was only too glad for her as she would always be well-fed, comfortable and happy and would never have to depend on the rains for food... The fear of living and taking care of the fields without her was a fear that secretly lurked in his mind, tormenting him but his daughter's happiness mattered more than his discomfort... And, anyway. she was not leaving him for good, she would be right down the next alley in the palatial building of the merchant.

The day came when she tearfully said goodbye, feeling a part of her was left behind with baba, wondering if she would be as happy as she was here... even if it meant in staying in the enormous, palatial villa she had envied as a child... Surely, no villas, no clothes, no jewellery could equate with the joy of being with baba, asking him unnecessary, irrelevant questions, walking those mountains in the rains, the steaming hot tea, the mud caked home she stayed in... She only prayed silently to God to take care of her baba after she had gone and uska kya tha, kahin bhi khush rah legi...

Getting married was like being reborn in a different set of circumstances, different backgrounds, different people, different cultures, she realised. Her mother-in-law was the mother she never had... She had never used amma before and her eyes welled up when she uttered the word. The merchant's wife was like the mother she had never been with. The merchant was although quite far from baba, loud, pan-chewing, brash, aggressive tones were what he was like unlike baba. A good human being though, very helpful, thoughtful, kind but also quite shrewd when it came to money.. But that's how you get rich, she wondered silently. Her husband was very understanding probably because he loved her more than she loved him..., very sensitive to her needs, fears, worries as he fully acknowledged the fact that she had left behind her home, her baba to be with him and he realised it was his duty to make her happy and never regret the decision taken for her..., took good care of her as she was the girl she had loved right since they were kids... his first memory of her was that of a drenched fairy with her wings clipped, waiting to fly, to soar in the open sky from that mountain cliff holding the hand of her baba... He had wanted that hand to be his hand from those days and now that he had it, he would take care of that fairy who made his life worth living...

Time flew by till she was used to all the comforts of her new home. She made sure she would visit baba every week to clean up his home. She realised bitterly that it wasn't her home anymore but she was happy, very happy in her home too. Her mother-in-law was like a mother, her father-in-law was always encouraging her to supervise the field workers. He was not too appreciative of her working in the fields as it defied their status. So, she did miss doing that but man ko samjha liya tha.. ab koi baat nahin. She had even appointed one of her workers to look after her baba's field too, Of course, she missed the smell of the earth in her hands, her clother without a single mud stain, the feel of the raw earth in her hands but she was happy with her life with Aryan.. He was an absolutely loving, devoted husband and strived to keep her happy at all times. Her baba was content that his little angel was happy in her world.. Yes, he felt his existence futile as he missed being the centre of Shikha's world, rather, he missed being Shikha's world. Aryan was, without doubt, an able son-in-law and a good husband, he still could figure out things from the sparkle of his angel's eyes. The weekly visit was not enough to make up for her absence, he did not have to toil at the fields any more... The purpose of life was lost, he kept thinking till one summer night, he passed away...

She found out the next morning when she was on her weekly visit to baba's place. The tears kept streaming for quite sometime after his funeral. The memories kept coming back as she was all he had had and he was all she had ever had back then.. Of course, things had changed in the last two years after marrying Aryan. He had become her universe, just like baba had been, but that was the way of life for daughters..

Time flew on, and she was blessed with twin boys.. The family was overjoyed and the treats went on and on until the boys were atleast a year old.. The boys grew up in the same village and she would take them to the mountain cliffs where baba would take her to feel the rains cleansing their souls. Aryan would come whenever he was not travelling. Since the business had expanded since their marriage, it demanded a lot more time and attention and for Aryan, business came first.. The justification was he was working hard for her, so that he could provide her with whatever she wanted...

She missed the Aryan she had married few years back but, in essence he was the same and then some relationships change form after time... Her father-in-law had expired soon after the expiry of amma, he could not survive the shock that she left for heavenly abode leaving him alone without as much as a warning... It was after the kids' fifth birthday that amma had a gold chain made for both of them and adorned it around their necks and immediately after went to her room for a short nap, which never ended... Aryan and the kids were very upset and so was she... In her effort to soothe Aryan and the kids, she would put up a brave face and pretended to have forgotten about her own grief... After all, amma was her mother, had always been her mother...

Her father-in-law was in deep shock and was not able to fathom the fact that she really did not exist anymore... After all, amma did not have any ailments. The fact that he had never as much as gift her a saree kept haunting him, the fact that he had never told her that he cared for her, the fact that he loved her, he would have wanted to thank her for raising Aryan like she had, he would have wanted to do things differently than he had done, he would have loved to relive his life with her again.. These things kept going round and round in his head until he breathed his last in his sleep on one humid day, just months after amma had expired.

Aryan was inconsolable and so were the kids. He had lost his guide and the kids, their partner-in-crime. Anyways life moved on after the funeral. Aryan had to devote more and more time to business as his father also wasn't around to help him with the affairs.. The kids had to go the city to study and Aryan and Shikha were left all by themselves. He started cutting down on business due to his ill-health. Besides, they were blessed with wealth and prosperity, intelligent, obedient children and did not have anything to ask for from God.

One rainy day, as Aryan was sipping his tea, the cup flew out of his hands as he clutched the left side of his chest.. There was a roaring pain in his chest and before she could come back with the doctor, he was no more... She was sobbing loudly grieving her loss, the red and green bangles coming down on the floor as she kept hitting her hand on the floor. The funeral rites changed her life forever. The red sarees were replaced by white ones, the jewellery had gone back into the jewellery box, the nose ring had come off... The kids insisted she also come with them to Mumbai but she wanted to be here with all her memories, she wanted to be with the trees she knew, the people she knew.. The village had given her everything, her childhood, her youth, marriage, amma, motherhood and at this stage, she did not want to relocate elsewhere to be starting afresh...

And now that she was all alone, it felt like she was revisiting her childhood with the raindrops falling on her face, drenching her yet again like she used to be... Everything around her had changed but not the rains... They were as welcoming as ever and took her in her arms without judging, without demanding explanations, without asking why she had not come to soak herself in the downpour, accepting her just as she was... sweet, gentle, pretty although the features had become firmer with time, understanding but there was a difference now she wasn't related to anyone in her village... WIth the kids gone and baba and Aryan no mopre, it was she, herself and that was all that mattered... Atleast now, she would start living for herself, be herself and know the difference in the spirit of being "me" from "our"!!!

A fifteenth wedding anniversary

A broken bangle, a stopped watch was all he had! A remainder of her! The watched showed 11.45 pm of the 24th of September of 2007. His life seemed to have stopped moving from that moment!

It was their fifteenth wedding anniversary. He had had all the possible joys of life with her as his wife, his better half, his life. They had waltzed through the tough times and jived through the happy ones. Kind, considerate, understanding, docile... a perfect partner for him, aggressive, loud, ambitious, domineering... Her speciality was her simplicity and needs that were as simple as a talkathon or maybe a walk by the seaside! Life had blessed them with two kids as intelligent as he was and as beautiful as she was at one point of time in life but maybe they were not to stay with them for long... They had nothing to ask of God at that moment! The complaint still remained on how He had called Joshua and Cain back to Him but on the whole, a fulfilling life...

He had arranged an elaborate candlelit dinner and dance for her, to make up for lost time, to bring her out of the loss of their kids... Everything went as per plan except when they started waltzing. She seemed to feel dizzy every now and then! He assumed it to be a signal of age as they were not getting any younger! They stopped for a break every now and then until she collapsed unconscious in his arms. He tried to revive her, first aid, CPR, nothing seemed to work!! A doctor was called for to make the death certificate. It read "24th September, 2007 11.45 pm Brain Tumour".

The last bit of her that remained in his life was her broken bangle and the wristwatch he had gifted her on their engagement day! Incidentally, they started their journey with that watch and had ended also with that watch!!!

Nothing remained the same! His attention to business was scanty! The problem was him, he didn't see how to get on with life without her! The question still haunted him! Why was the reason brain tumour was something his mind was not able to decipher... It had been six weeks now that she was gone.. His journey to sanity had started! He started going through her closet! He still felt her warm, tender touch in his hair every time there was a strong gust of wind. He still felt her faint smell lingering in her clothes... Her pictures looked like she would speak any moment! Or better still, come back to life! Her signature lay in her jewellery identified by her unique touch to it. Her new handbag from Austria that he had got her, was still waiting for her to lay her hands on it... He bitterly realised that it would never happen!!

He picked up the wedding album and went through it for an eternity! Seemed like she had gone on a vacation and would come back... The only thing remained was that she wouldn't and she couldn't!!! The corner of her diary caught his eye... Her most prized possession, her beloved diary... She wouldn't allow him to even have as much as a peek at it... It lay there sullen waiting for it to be picked up! He hesitated... waited.... asked himself.... and then decided that all he had of her was the diary... That was the only place where he would still get to hear "I love you". The woman had long gone and so had her words, her cares and concerns.. Every time he came home with a sullen heart, he knew she would be there to comfort him... The lap of comfort, the tears of joy, his grit, his inspiration. his encouragement had all vanished with her... Life seemed to be at a standstill....

Finally, he picked the diary up with wavering hands and started flipping the pages... It appeared to be of 2002. She had described each day vividly with all the different colours life had given her... Pink, red, yellow, blue, green... Upto August, everything was fine and picture perfect just how their life was... Post August, she seemed to be writing of a dizziness that did not allow her to drive... The writing did not seem to be hers, a usually neat piece of art. It had turned into more of a a scrawl, probably because of the dizziness... He realised she did give up driving about a year and a half back... The dizziness puzzled him... It was mysterious but why had he not realised that before!! Had he..... maybe the outcome would have been.....

The rains came and went without any insistence on her part to go out for a drive! Back then, he had assumed that she had been her usual understanding self considering he had to go to Austria for a new project... For the next two months, her complaints of headaches and dizziness seemed to increase. She had never told him about it. Nahhhh.... he had never asked her about it.

In December, she seemed to complain about a slight weight loss.. Yes, he had noticed that! After his trip to Austria, he did realise that she had lost a slight amount of weight. He had also noticed the withdrawal symptoms... probably due to the headaches... She did not let him lay as much as a finger on her probably because her headaches were killing her... He assumed a wrong meaning to her behaviour and even thought the unthinkable!

There was a time in about January when he had thought she had in all probabilities found someone else as she spent most of her time either in the church or going to the park! He gave up talking to her because of his distrust... The poor dear had tried explaining that nothing was amiss but he wouldn't understand. As luck would have it, they met with an accident where he had dislocated his hip bone and her skull was ripped apart.... The kids did not survive to see the light of the day. She seemed to have forgotten about all her headaches, pains, stitches and she worked all day and night taking care of him, waking up at odd hours to help him to the toilet, walk with him each day to the garden putting behind her own sorrows of a mother... Luckily, better sense prevailed on him and by mid April, he realised he was being foolish by not talking to her as she was not capable of cheating him... How could a person cheat on a person she loved with all her heart? How could a person who had forgotten about all her pains and tended to him even think about anyone else? Her mind seemed to be sooo full of him that there was no place for any one else, not even Joshua and Cain.... The pages for her diary in the months of Janury, February, March and April did make up for all that she had never said aloud... He was certain she had loved him but those pages made him realise she worshipped him, he was her most prized possessionm even more priceless than her diaries... She had felt lucky in the pages that atleast he had escaped the accident and she had buried all her tears for Josh and Canny in those pages. Also, was buried a silent prayer that he outlive her... as he was her purpose of living, her source of happiness... Tum nahin toh kuch nahin.... Those words haunted him... On the exterior, she was the same strong woman he had always known! How could he have mistrusted this woman, so pure of virtue, her heart of gold? He felt much more guilty now as he had no chance of apologising... He shouldn't have doubted... but he had! He should have trusted but he didn't! He should have loved unconditionally but he didn't! He should have done a 100 other things but.... he had lost his chance...

Mid May when he was almost back to normal, she talked about a migraine test that was negative... The pages also spoke about a CT scan... The result was apparently a malignant growth at the back of her head which was the cause of the headaches, her weight loss. By now, it was soo obvious to the naked eye... The pages spoke about a pain that he was perhaps even incapable of bearing! How had he remained oblivious to this fact? Does it always mean that she has always had to sacrifice for him, his wellbeing? Maybe the result could have been different had the test been taken in January itself or even before, had he.....

June, July and August talked about the most torturous pain that he couldn't go on... Tears were streaming from his eyes but he blamed himself for not.... One of the marriage vows was to take care of her in good times and bad.... This marriage had always been about him, his good times, his bad times... hindsight without her even whimpering, let alone complaining.... The "We" in the marriage had disappeared.... Had he another chance, probably he would make it up to her... but he had none... She had not been generous enough, he thought and then regretted... Even now, I'm complaining was what came to his mind.... Was he ever being sensitive to her needs? It was always he who came first.. She did not complain even when she lost their kids.... cos she had him... Was he a reason worth living, he wondered...

He pushed himself to read what lay in the last few days of her life... The trauma, the visits to the hospitals, the pain of losing Josh and Canny was all taken heads on herself... Just like another marriage vow he remembered... If any trouble was to come my husband's way, I would stand in front of him and face it.... She had actually meant all that she had promised and had practised it to a tee.. He felt so inadequate... What good had he been as her husband? He couldn't protect her from the pain she went through... Forget protect, he couldn't even share it... She should've told me, he thought... But in reality did I not see the signs was the question his mind put to him. He had no answers.... Was I even able to focus anywhere else other than the Belgium project? Was I even listening to her when she used to talk? He missed talking to her... Is a marriage only about her understanding me? Does it not apply vice versa?

As he read the last page of her diary 24th September 2007... she had thanked God for blessing her with such an understanding, sensitive, caring, loving husband... The words hit him like a slap on his face... They lashed at him. Even after so much she had still been thanking God for having him in her life... She said that there was no concept like rebirth in Christianity but if there were, she would want to be with him again and again and again... He was totally dumbfounded... Could someone like her, divine, pristine love anyone like him so much? He was wondering why she didn't take him with her... to Heaven, the place she deserved! Again, asking her to do something for him!!!

Suddenly, he felt a sharp stab of pain in the left side of his chest.... It kept increasing and increasing until he felt his heart in his mouth. And he smiled as he realised the last favour she had done him... to take him away with her so that they could be together... where he would try and be a better husband and a better partner than what he had been in this lifetime... His wish had always been her command, and it still was, even after she was no more... His soul rose from his body and felt hers watching over him, guarding him, protecting him, nurturing him... even after death... She was his guardian angel. taking care of him even though she was not been physically present.. That was commitment for her!

The milkman was at the door ringing the bell the next morning.... When the door was not opened, it was forced open. The doctor had come another time and the death certificate read "8th November 2007, 11.45 pm... Heart Attack", her birthday.... They were to be reunited on her birthday, maybe this was their joint destiny...

The Sacred Vow

Everything was abuzz with excitement in the white sprawling mansion by the lakeside. The fragnance of the flowers, the sound of music playing, the diyas all over the balconies and the terraces, the trees lit with multicoloured bulbs.... Just like any other typical Indian wedding!

She was nervous and was not able to focus on what was going on around her. The chatter of her cousins, her friends dancing to the tune of the dholak, her hands getting exquisitely designed with the henna... Everything seemed to be perfect... She was getting married to her childhood friend and sweetheart! Why was the doubt lurking in her mind was something she just could not figure out...

Anyways after the music had subsided, she lay on her bed thinking about how the events had taken place. Her thoughts kept rotating on whether he would love her as much as he did now, trust her as much and above all respect her as much... She kept wondering if she would prove to be the right partner for him, innocent as she was, delicate as she was, stubborn as she was... She kept thinking if she would fit in with his family, his relatives, his friends, his life... wondering if she would be able to balance her responsibilities with her desires... Whether he would be the same person she had loved always was another question to which there was no answer! People do change over time, don't they! The thoughts kept churning in her mind until her eyelids started drooping and finally she fell asleep... though a fitful sleep it was!

The next morning came with her friends trying to wake her up from her slumber giggling away. The traditional turmeric-sandalwood paste was smeared all over her face, her arms, her feet. After the bath, her friends and cousins were all dressing her up like a doll for her big day... And she was definitely a sight to behold! Her skin glowed with the turmeric and sandalwood paste, the flowers in her hair, she was all glittering with all the jewellery, the blazing red saree with the pallu on her head, the clinking of her bangles, the clamour of her payal, her hands a shade of dark brown with the last night's henna, her cheeks pink with all the excitement... Looked like a fairy had stepped onto Earth!

Everything was ready and the bridegroom was expected at any moment. And there came Rohan, dressed in an elegant sherwani on his bedecked horse... Her family greeted the bridegroom and his family. All the time she had always thought how it would feel to garland him but now when she was actually supposed to do it, she stood rooted to the ground! Her mother nudged her and she garlanded him! When she looked into his eyes, she saw the same love she had always seen but something about him was not making her feel comfortable today... Maybe it was not him, it was her!! She was scared about all the expectations that a marriage carried.... Whether they would survive it together.... the metamorphosis of their life from innocent teenagers to mature adults...

The bridegroom was taken to the shamiana where the pandit had started chanting the shlokas... The confusion in her mind persisted and she was not even sure if she could opt out now... She could not do this to Rohan, her best friend, his parents, her parents... But the question only kept ringing in her mind if she would be able to match his expectations of a partner, whether everything would continue to be as before. She wanted to know if he would still allow her to make her decisions, maybe some of his too, allow her to soar into the open sky like a free bird, be the princess like she had always been... She was wondering if he would love her like he used to, respect her like he used to, understand like he used to... Or did marriage change all that?

Her mind kept tormenting her until her friends came to lead her to the mandap. She got up from the bed reluctantly and was forced to the mandap by the giggling lot of girls and her mother. She took her place in front of the sacred fire. He looked at her and smiled back which was replied by a wan smile. Attempts at talking to her were cut short. Touching her was met by her sharp glare! He was wondering what had happened to her, she had always been so affectionate but let it pass as a case of pre-marital nerves.... They were supposed to pour ghee into the fire. His palm was below hers, the ghee in her hand. He looked at her again but was met by a sullen glance again. He was only puzzled... they had loved each other so much and that was the reason why this decision had been taken collectively! What was wrong, something certainly seemed to be wrong! Looking at the uncomfortable girl whom he loved shift in her seat made his mind flutter...

He just let it pass thinking it was a result of lack of sleep.. And he knew how she could get when she didn't sleep well... The time for the pheras had come. She looked genuinely traumatised and would not budge from her sthan... This was when he was wondering what had gotten into her... He wanted to desperately know if she was happy taking this step... with him.... He got up and gently took her by the arm.. She looked at her parents, at his parents and knew they would be embarrassed in front of the guests... When she didn't move, he took her by the arm forcibly and led her to her room.

There were questions all over... Her parents were very anxious and apologetic about the entire incident. His parents were not, very relaxed and composed, they had faith in their daughter that she would come up with the right decision... And these decisions are decided by Him in the Heavens above...

Meanwhile in her room what ensued was a silent storm... He waited for her to say something and she did the same. Finally Rohan threw an leading question, "Do you want to get married?" The reply was a nod. The next question was, "To me?" to which the reply was a stream of tears flowing from her eyes... "What happened? Do you really want to call it off?" The lump in her throat did not allow her to speak... An answer was warranted for a person who could actually care so much for her that he was even ready to call the wedding off if it gave her any happiness! She asked, "Would you care for me as much when we are married? Love me as much? Forgive me for my mistakes if I do make any? Would you respect......" He sighed in relief..... Ahhhh!!! It was only that. What had marriage got to do with feelings, he wondered.... He replied, "Love, I always will! It's true it would transform over the years, in fact even maybe grow over the years but take a different manifestation.... Why this doubt, Shikha?" She threw herself into his arms and smiled amidst the tears... Just like a rainbow after the rains!

They looked at each other and he asked, "Will you marry me, Shikha?" The answer was a smile in her glistening eyes and the intertwining of their hands... The mahurat had gone by... But both of them knew that for a marriage to be a success, it took more than a mahurat!! The marriage is of the souls of the two individuals involved! And so long as they were with each other, no mahurat could spoil anything between them! As they walked back to the mandap, they promised to each other that they would be together... always!! The marriage of their souls had just happened in her room... Now it was a matter of the rituals!!!

Captivity

All day long, she realised as never before that being a captive was never so easy!

On the face of it, the picture was serene! A young girl, pretty, well-educated, intelligent, had an alive and thinking mind but beyond the picture lay the reality! As indecisive as any other girl, as naive as any other, as vulnerable as any...

She had everything that she had dreamed of; a career dreamed about by many good looks, a perfect family, a caring mother, a supportive father, a naughty brother.... But something was still missing for the picture to have a life of its own.

A certain someone that she accidentally bumped into! On one of her frequent travels, he had started conversation with her. One thing led to the other and the conversation was so engrossing that she almost missed her station. Unfortunately, they had not exchanged contact details... And the mystery stranger continued to linger in her thoughts until.... Until one fine day, he walked into her office door as the auditor of the company she worked for. Imagine her surprise when she found herself face to face with him! And so was he amazed. The world is probably much smaller than we think it is. Maybe he was the missing colour of her life, she thought as they interacted daily for professional reasons and otherwise.

Six days of the week would pass by like a dream until Sunday came. She was spending most of her waking time at office which was unusual as she was extra-ordinarily unambitious. Her family would keep wondering why she was never with them mentally even on a Sunday.... It was always about office, audit, long silences, absent-minded answers....

This behavioural changes continued until the stranger, now the auditor of her company and her good friend asked her out to dinner one fine summer night. How could she refuse? How would she refuse? Heart in heart, she had always wanted that to happen. One dinner, a movie, another lunch, a shopping trip, a picnic, another dinner.... And the cycle continued.

She was not her usual self at home now... More cheerful then ever before, prettier than ever before with the peals of her laughter echoing in the entire house. It was very much a welcome change as she had a habit of living a couple of years ahead of her actual age. In a way, she had actually lived her life with Dhun which probably got her off her track, her planning mode, her serious ways, her reading habits... She was in the process of discovering new sides to her, which she never knew existed, a world she never knew existed.

In the meantime, the clock kept ticking away. At this juncture in life, she was expected to choose her partner... Ah, rather, her parents had chosen a few alternatives from which she was to shortlist. Her parents kept showing her photographs by the dozen in the hope she would point towards one. But one name kept chiming in her mind... DHUN!!!!

She never realised that there was a thread that connected her to him. How would she? The thread was invisible. Now, it was probably too late to snap the thread and tie it to another one. Well, she was still trying... For her parents, who did not understand how and why Dhun should be trusted with keeping their only daughter happy.

He had no family, brought up at orphanage and now lived at a hostel. The only credentials anyone could probably provide was probably his employer... He had spent a good many years with the old gentleman. But how would that suffice? It would not, considering Shikha was their only daughter and the only wish her parents had was to always see her smile. It was still a pity that they did not realise that Dhun was the reason for her smile.

Talking to them was as if breaking one's head against a stone wall. Beyond a point of time, she gave up and stopped talking altogether. She came across a line in a book, "The parrot was caged because he looked very happy flying."

It was then she realised as never before that being a captive was never easy! It meant giving up your ability of flying, in her case the very smiling.

This was a conscious decision on her end. Even if she was not happy, her parents were! Dhun... What about Dhun, she thought and shed a silent tear. She had not stopped talking to him out of professional courtesy. However, she did avoid him whenever she caught him from the corner of her eye coming towards her desk to invite her to lunch.

On the other hand, Dhun was flustered. He could not quite figure out why she was behaving so erratically. But sometimes, the lack of something or someone can only teach its importance to the holder. Needless to add, Dhun was sure about her importance in her life.

Talking to her would make sense, he thought and called her from another colleague's extension. Before she could react, she had already agreed to meet him for coffee in the cafeteria. Over the coffee, she recalled all the incidents when they had had each other's company but never realised the value. Now was probably the time... Each of them had lots to say... The bottomline was that her friends would never agree for this alliance probably because she chose him, probably because he did not have a family, probably he did not have money, probably because he did not have a house.... They did not realise he had lots of love for her!

They would decide on a future course of action together but at a later date as it was quite late that day. She happened to mention about the nightmares that occured each day. On their way back home, they bought a dagger that was to be put under her pillow so she could sleep soundly.

On going home, she placed the dagger under her pillow and really got peaceful sleep that night. However, the next day, it was brought to her knowledge that her father had already gotten her betrothed to someone he considered ideal as son-in-law. She cried and tried to talk her father out of it. He would not listen and she knew it.

She told Dhun about her engagement after which he started avoiding her. The date of marriage was also fixed now. She was worried, very worried and without a clue as to how to proceed without Dhun by her side.

On the day of her marriage, dressed in a blazing red bridal dress, impeccably adorned with jewellery and flowers, she looked dazzling. The prospective groom clushed on looking at the bride. After welcoming him with the customary garland, she excused herself to go to her room to pray to the Almighty to give her strength to get through this. Accidentally, she dropped the pillow and saw the dagger.

She knew, Dhun would always be a part of her life, wherever she went. There was no sense in spending the remaining part of her life being a captive with Rohan. The first half was spent in captivity in this very house. The only time she was really allowed to breathe without a care in the world... was with Dhun. She picked up the dagger and slit her wrists very peacefully. She could see the blood ooze out from her wrists faster and faster.... until she remembered no more.

All that was left of the beautiful bride was a stream of blood and a pretty, innocent girl in that pool. This was probably a life nobody required... Or maybe she had been born only to be dictated.... But atleast she had the satisfaction of taking the final decision of her life herself.